Dear Dani: He Was All In & Then He Disappeared

Your love and relationship questions answered.

Once a month, I’ll be answering one of your questions about love and relationships. Want to submit a question? DM me on Instagram or email me: danielle@daniellegay.com

Q. I’ve been dating a guy who said we have the “best connection of anyone he’s ever met” and that he’s “never felt more seen, heard or understood.” We’ve been seeing each other for about 2.5 months, doing long distance between Brisbane and Melbourne (where he’s based) and we were connected by a good friend of mine (that I’ve known for over a decade). Four days ago, he even invited me to visit him in Melbourne. Then, yesterday, he called it all off. He said he’s “not obsessed with me” in the way he should be; that he doesn’t desire to write me poetry and bring flowers to my work, and so he feels “there must be something missing.” I’ve been here before, it’s a familiar feeling. But this one hurts the most. To be told by someone (and see them really mean) that you share the best connection of their life and that they’ve never felt closer to someone, never felt more seen or heard or understood, but yet, that they still don’t want you, is all types of incongruence that has fostered an almost debilitating level of cognitive dissonance for me.